I was raised in an a fundamental conservative home. I don't say that as condemnation nor with any judgement, just fact. Dad was a cigarette-smoking, simple dairy farmer with a temper; mom was a country wife whose unspoken motto was, "Always do the right thing." We never missed church stuff. We went to everything, because that was "the right thing to do." And I'm glad we did! Those hours upon hours of church attendance gifted me with a good grasp of theology, a great group of friends through my teenage years, and was the backbone of my becoming a Believer.
I learned a lot about what was expected of me, of what a committed Christian should do and how they should behave, what they should and shouldn't say or watch or listen to. I learned to be afraid of hell and to care enough about others that they wouldn't go to hell. But what I didn't learn was the Truth.
Sure, what I learned was truth-with-a-little-"t", but I didn't learn Truth-with-a-capital-"T". In reflecting back on my religious influences, I am sure that my pastors preached about Truth (capital "T"). I can't think of anything they ever said from the pulpit or in a Bible class that would make me believe otherwise. However, I was surrounded by laypeople who taught Sunday School and Bible studies and by example that truth-with-a-little-"t" was what following God was all about:
"Did you hear about Sally? She wasn't raised that way, she should know better." "I can't believe what Tommy is doing. What a terrible example to others." "Tsk, tsk, why weren't you at revival last night? You know God wants you to be there." "If they really loved God, they wouldn't act that way!" "You're not singing in Youth Choir? What a shame! God gave you that talent for a reason." These type of comments would usually be followed by a look over the rim of glasses with a surely-you-know-better scowl.
I had a dirty little secret during those influential years: I didn't always do the right thing! Sometimes I intentionally did the wrong thing! Yes, even though at 11 years old I walked down the aisle to profess my faith in Christ, I still didn't seem to be able to live a life of truth (little "t"). I hated that dirty little secret. I was ashamed that everyone around me seemed to be able to talk and live those perfect Christian lives, and yet I couldn't (and didn't always want to). I was afraid that someone would call me out on my unChristlikeness. I was ashamed that I couldn't always (and didn't always want to) live out those "Christian" values.
Life continued, I grew up, and even though I worked and served in areas of Christian service, my little secret of not always living in truth (little "t") could still dominate my mind. It would sometimes create such depression that I could barely take it. Sin is sin, so it didn't matter what I was struggling with, big or little, I was ashamed of my imperfections...my sinfulness...my failures...my weaknesses.
It didn't help that I was now in a career that was performance-based. Being a worship leader, a music minister, is all about performance: putting on an excellent set of music that everyone likes and appreciates. I would work my tail off to make sure that every i was dotted and every t was crossed. Whenever a volunteer would do less than perfect, I risked being called on the carpet. So I would work myself to death making sure that everything was as prepared and ready as possible. I would pre-set the sound board for the sound people. I would make the PowerPoint as easy and prepared as possible for the computer people. I would give every musician new music two weeks in advance with detailed notes on each page so we could spend rehearsal time perfecting things, not going over repeats and such. I would beg and plead with people to be faithful to choir and orchestra so that the music didn't suffer. "God deserves our excellence!"
Now I need to say this: I believe God deserves our best. I believe He deserves excellence. And I often told people in the music ministries of the churches I served in that very thing. But that wasn't really what it was all about. At the end of the day, it was about my being good enough. If I received criticism, if I was given a negative comment, if my voice wasn't strong, if I made a mistake, if a volunteer didn't show up, I
would be crushed. I would come home and go straight to the bed for hours. I would be discouraged for days.
You see, I lived for the little-"t"-truth: being good, doing the right thing, striving for perfection, being obedient. If I couldn't attain that in my personal life, then surely I should do that in my professional life. And if that didn't happen in my professional life....oh, what a failure!
Somewhere along the way it became too much. As a counselor, I know that people who are faced with impossible tasks often just give up. I was at the point of giving up. I was in a dysfunctional church environment, my discontent and discouragement was affecting my marriage, and I was simply burned out with life.
After seeking wisdom from Godly counselors and people we trusted, my wife and I decided it was time to get out of "ministry" for my sake and for the sake of my family. There was no back up plan, there was no ulterior motive, there was no career plan: it was simply survival.
So I quit church.
For a couple of months we lived off of my retirement. Krisa went from part-time to full-time work. I lost my identity. After 20 plus years of a career in ministry, I was no longer a servant of God. I was no longer the preacher boy my wife married. I cried a lot. I was lonely beyond imagination. On one hand I felt free as a bird, released from the cage of Christian vocation expectation. But on the other hand I was without identity. When your life has been based living for the little "t" truth and suddenly you pull back from that, who are you?
The beginning of my understanding of capital "T" Truth...Jesus' Truth...began one day in the counselor's office. He showed me Galatians 4:4-5: "...God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons."
He asked, "How do you get to have the full rights of being one of God's chosen?"
Always afraid of giving the wrong answer, I timidly asked, "Um, by being redeemed?"
"Ha! Yes, but once you are redeemed, how do you get it?" he replied.
"He gives it to you?" I ventured.
"But what do you do?"
"Receive?"
"Receive! You do nothing but receive. You don't behave a certain way, you don't live a particular way, you RECEIVE. It is GIVEN to you. You are one of His because He gives you that right. Not because you are perfect, not because you don't sin. You simply 'be'. Christ did the doing for you. You will never be 'good enough' on your own...but Christ's GRACE is good enough for you!"
And that was the beginning of my new life in the Truth. Something clicked. Old Covenant and New Covenant began to make sense. In the next few months I began to see that living under GRACE was the Truth. The little "t" truth was done away with after Christ's capital "T" Truth came to be. Living under the law, by the law, in the law didn't work because no one could do it. No one could always do the right thing. No one always wanted to do the right thing. And the Old Covenant proved that. So God gave us a New Covenant of GRACE through Christ, where our relationship with Him was all that mattered, not "doing the right thing." And all that "God deserves excellence" stuff I used to talk about? He just wants a relationship with me. That's the priority. That is what's excellent in His sight.
I am on a journey. So many things in Scripture now make sense as I read them in this new Grace light. I'm learning that sitting at the feet of Jesus is far better than doing for Jesus. I'm learning that many teach a life in Christ is all about doing and behaving and looking good, when it should be all about being. I'm learning that when I live in Grace I'm not concerned about policing other people's behaviors.
And one other thing I've learned? That I don't know much. "There is more that I don't understand than what I understand," Pastor Frank Friedman says. But I've learned the most important thing: the Truth. And I am now on the journey to explore and understand Truth in ways I've never imaged.
This journey makes a whole lot more sense.
